grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Randomize
