My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
