I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
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