I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
