I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
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