you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
