Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
