marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
