My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
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We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
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in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.