"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.