Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
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the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
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Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra