im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is