I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
