Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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