so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
