i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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