Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Two words: blizzard sex
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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