Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
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what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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