There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
