we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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