My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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