Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
