apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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