dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
