My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
