Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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