you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
