I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
