I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
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