So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Dick very happy bro
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
