just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
