Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
