Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
