i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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