The maid of honor just puked.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
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We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
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I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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