chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
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Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
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Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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