just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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