Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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