nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
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not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
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Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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