I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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