Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
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I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
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You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize