my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
