if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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