Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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