Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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