So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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