Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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