He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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