Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Randomize
