I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
my shit smells like andre
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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