You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
