I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
