cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
we should paint friendship bongs
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
