i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
