I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
