Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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